Random things

1. I love my job.
2. I live in a house built by my grandfather and my great-grandfather.
3. I don't trust mirrors.
4. I use space heaters 12 months of the year.
5. I have to wait until the last second counts down when microwaving something, but I can stop reading a book half way through.
6. The best thing I ever did was take a road trip to Texas all by myself.
7. My mother has been dead 8 years and I will miss her as much as I do today for the rest of my life.
8. I have happiness.
9. I am learning peace.
10. I've seen the world's largest ball of twine, largest frying pan, largest bull, buffalo, cow, tire, truck stop and red wagon.
11. I despise the sound of people chewing.
12. I do not know what 'twitter' is.
13. I have to make myself drink water.
14. I think paying attention to coincidences can point you in the right direction.
15. Most of my very good friends are old enough to receive social security.
16. I suck at playing pool.
17. I've been swimming in two oceans, one gulf, three great lakes, the Great Salt Lake, the Caribbean, the Mediterranean and countless little lakes around home.
18. I like hockey and football and 16 year old me thinks that's an atrocity.
19. Amy's horse thought I was stupid.
20. I mourn for Rain more than anything or anyone I've lost except my mother.
21. I'm not good at complimenting people but I think nice things about them all the time.
22. I will watch the original Scooby Doo cartoons every chance I get.
23. I spent 2 hours in the same room with His Holiness the Dalai Lama
24. I have been present for four deaths.
25. Without pictures I would never remember half of the things I do or the places I go.
26. I spend my days at work making sure the elderly are cared for but my grandma doesn't like me.
27. I like cake best without frosting.
28. My dad used to call me Gilligan.
29. I'm not afraid to die.

Just like I said

I like to be right. I really, really, really like it - so much that it could almost be considered a character flaw.

Recently a wonderfully beloved friend of mine had a dream in which she and I were going to some classy event. We were in a room full of people prior to this event and we did not yet have our tickets. In her dream she was getting very upset and worried and I kept telling her it would be fine. Eventually I disappeared and came back with the tickets and handed them to her saying 'Didn't I tell you it would be fine?'

Apparently I say 'I told you so' enough that people I love are now dreaming about it. This is not ok with me.

My love of being right amused me right up until the moment she told me about her dream...then the sound of shattering glass...then the sad realization that when I'm right it's only fun for me, because if I'm right, inevitably someone else is wrong...and wrong sucks.

It's going to be a major battle, and I'm not making any promises because as I set out on this quest to allay my smugness there's a little voice in the back of my head saying 'but if you're right you're right and that's not going to change.'

Well, little voice, that's true but I can try not to be such an asshole about it.

Seven days without Rain

It takes such getting used to and the larger parts of me don't want to do it...like 'getting used to' being without her is an abomination. It's like this with all deaths. The mind seems to equate finding a way to move on with a negation of the love felt for the one who is gone. Something like ... 'If I can learn to live without her then isn't it possible I never really loved her?'
Minds are silly.
I loved her like crazy and I always will. She was an amazing friend who spent her whole life with me. I could never begin to say all the ways I'll miss her or how she saved me, but continuing is what we do...acceptance of this allows appreciation for the time together not to be overshadowed by a grasping desperation to have it all back. I learned this when my mother died. It took years. I can't understand why the mind needs to stay miserable in order not to feel guilty.
The places Rain has always been will be empty but I'll still look for her there for a long time. When the day comes that I open the front door to let the dogs out without checking for her first I hope I'm not too hard on myself. I hope I remember there's a difference between forgetting her and letting her go.

Rain
June 1994 - January 12, 2009

Love you Rain Cat - you're the best cat ever!
Thank you for always being with me through everything no matter what.

Today is my mother's birthday

Today is my mother's birthday. Eight years ago she died so instead of turning 53 today she is forever 45.

To celebrate I cranked up the stereo in the living room and sang Delta Dawn, then I pulled on my old sweats and my moon boots, went to the gas station, bought a nice cold mountain dew and drove to the cemetery where I cleared the snow and ice from her headstone and made her a snow angel. As I ran back to the car, frozen and caked in snow I screamed Happy Birthday.

She was my best friend, she was funny and dorky and beautiful and she loved me more than I ever knew.

When she got sick she found a quote from Charles Swindoll that read 'I am convinced life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.' She lived it, made copies of it and passed it out at the cancer center and believed it to the very last. I had it printed on her headstone and now I finally really understand it.

Thanks Mama!
Happy Birthday!
I love you!

Remembering what I've learned

I want to go home!
*pouts and sputters*

I do. I do want to go home and it's only the half way point in this experimental separation of ours. I want to go home to the exclusion of what I thought I'd learned these last few months. I am fearful and panicky and concentrating on what I don't want and looking for any idea in my head that will get me out of it. I'm being silly and probably ungrateful.
There are a few things that have taken place the last couple of weeks that make it harder for me to be here. The most important is that Rain is ill. Her kidneys are failing and I'd like to sit and hold her from now until the last minute. Instead she's home...at her home...where she can be comfortable. Another thing is that some of the troubles that landed me here in the first place are getting resolved. While before it was a pleasant break to be away and there were obvious hurtles to overcome, now I miss my husband and our home and the hurtles seem much lower. Mostly it was blatantly imperative that we be separated for the first few weeks and now it is less so, which makes it more difficult to continue - even though I do still think it's necessary to finish it.

I also think 'hard' is probably a lesson I need to learn. Taking things for granted is a specialty of mine so having it all back at my whim wouldn't be too beneficial. There's more to learn and I'll start again tonight by reminding myself not to resist what is, to make the best of every little thing and to not be such a big damn baby.

Holidays and days not so holy

It's been a long time. Much has happened since my last post. Christmas was a frickin blast as was the following weekend. On Monday things turned a bit. Before noon I learned that Rain - who's been with me through everything since things went bad - has kidney failure and she wasn't walking much due to arthritis, in theory. One of the people we provide services for died in a housefire, the lady who helps care for all my grandparents quit because she needs knee surgery and my grandma has pneumonia.
It was a rough couple of days in there.
Tuesday was back to fun. New Year's Eve was super fun and I've been relaxing with my husband since then, holding the cat and watching the playoffs.
What a terribly terrible post! But I had to get something up here....