Selfishness is underrated

First of all let's make a distinction. I'm not talking about the grasping, whiny, insecure, manipulative, self indulgent selfishness - though that's exactly what most people think of when you say 'selfish' which makes it impossible to discuss. When the first thought of 'selfishness' is that it is bad you can't get much further because most people won't label themselves negatively and therein lies the barrier to growth.

But I digress...

The 'selfishness' I'm lobbying for is the kind that allows a girl (or guy) to assess personal needs and realize that having those needs met is important. When I say I'm selfish I mean it. The first thing I think in any situation is 'how does this affect me?' I think if folks are honest they'd have to admit the same thing...however...somewhere between that thought and action is some sort of codependent, guilt driven interference which denies personal need in favor of any number of things...maintaining peace, a desire for someone else to be happy, fear of outside opinion ...and on and on...
All I'm saying is that I think it's ok to be selfish. In the long run I really think it's worse not to be. How long before you're constantly giving up what you want or what's best for you...and the unhappiness settles in? Or how long before you lose yourself completely to what you think others want...or how long before the only way you can make your needs known is through some sort of manipulation?
And how long would it take to get your self back?

When I haven't peace

Let it go... let it go...
Be at peace with what is and what will be
There need not be a purpose, need not be a mark upon your life that makes you worthy
You are no more...or less
no better...or worse
Be calm, be still
Remember that your strength is not only within you but all around you
Lift a stone
Split a piece of wood...

Thankful for the Lions

When I was about 12 my cousin Charlie and my Aunt Gladys came to visit. We ended up watching football on a Saturday afternoon, which I despised, but I didn't mind Charlie so I watched because he was and I thought I should try to impress him somehow. However, in a clear demonstration of my ignorance and lifelong disinterest, when my aunt came in to ask about the score I proudly announced that it was 14 to 10 but State just scored so now it was 15 to 10. If Charlie'd even bothered to laugh at me I might've felt better about the whole thing but he just looked at me like I wasn't worth the space I was taking up in front of the TV. That was the day I learned that touchdowns earn you 6 points and you kick for one more.

That was also the last I learned about football for almost a decade and it was more than I really needed.

Enter Greg.
My husband likes sports. He wouldn't paint his chest and stand in sub zero temperatures to prove it but he likes sports. Inevitably they were going to become part of my life whether I wanted it or not. I had to make a decision: spend countless hours trying to read against the background noise and varied interjections or learn something about 'sports' and make the best of it. I figured I would earn some form of canonization for my sacrifice and be able to use it later when I wanted to go...say...to the local variety show.
In the end what happened was nothing short of a miracle. It started with hockey - which I now love to watch - and moved on well into football - which I'm still learning about, but looking forward to watching in three and a half hours when the Lions will begin their afternoon endeavor toward 0 - 12.
It's Thanksgiving - and in the midst of everything that's going on - I'm thankful for football and for Greg's patience when I ask the same questions over and over again...
When the clock is running out and you're down by more than a field goal, I know you go for it on 4th down...no matter what.

Blessed truth

You can't go home again. Everything changes and it doesn't matter if you want to allow it.

Once you realize something to be true, even if it's only conceptually at first, there's no return. It means moving forward without delusion when the delusion is still so comforting in many ways. Maybe like finding out about Santa, when sometimes it would be so nice to believe again.

These differences in me are starting to settle, I'm starting to feel like a 'self' again but I have no idea how it applies to my world. In a very short time the fundamental way I've always viewed things has shifted and it's wonderful...and it's terrifying. I've been used to being unhappy and restless, clung to it with my whole being at times. I've been used to feeling like I haven't anything to say or offer and used to feeling ugly. The shift started about a year and half ago and lately the avalanche. So all of a sudden I'm someplace else and it's freaking me out. Now it's possibilites instead of wishful thinking, allowing what is to be instead of trying to control it and a tendancy toward action or acceptance instead of stubborn resistance. All of this by finally understanding that the past - good or bad - is gone and the future doesn't exist outside our minds. The only thing that is real and ever has been is this moment. It's the only time action can be taken or decisions made, the only time you can feel, speak or touch, it's the only time anything can ever be done. Right now.

The still unfrozen lake

The sun was shining between thick dark clouds as billowy snowflakes fell across the still unfrozen lake yesterday morning. I stood at the window with my mug of hot tea and knew that I'd never remember it. That used to make me sad. I'd see something so beautiful and instantly the struggle would start...trying to find some way to keep it forever, file it away, run for the camera. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to hold it or have it again when I needed it that I'd almost completely ignore it in the process.
I understand now that these times aren't meant to be remembered, they're meant to be appreciated and let go or the whole of life will only be a memory or a frenzied search for the camera or a beratement of the mind for not being able to recall.
Each moment holds everything that could possibly be needed. All we have to do is acknowledge it.

Pride and Happiness: $1.37 please

When you go to the Stone Mountain drive-thru coffee shop downtown they give you a punch card and after 10 coffees you get one free. I always save my cards for when I don't have the correct change or am getting a little low on money. Right now I have 4 of them.
Yesterday morning when I was waiting at the drive-thru I thought I'd better start using them - it's just silly to keep 40 coffees worth of cards hanging around until I haven't correct change...it could be weeks before circumstances aligned such that I'd deem it appropriate to use one. But instead of using it for my $1.37 small black coffee I handed it to Tracy and asked her to use it for the next person's drink.
She was pleased to do it, it made my day...and this morning she said the guy behind me was floored that anyone would do such a thing.
If it sounds like I'm disproportionately proud of myself for doing this little bitty nice thing - I am. Faking humility at this point would be irresponsible. I think it's great that it occurred to me and fantastic that I did it and I hope that more thoughts like this start popping in. I also hope I'm vigilant enough to listen to me.
It cost nothing and people got to be happy about it.
Heck, it's been two days and I'm still happy about it.

My name is Sloopy Dippenhiney

YOUR NEW NAME IS (an email from my uncle)
We all need a little stress-reliever. This only takes a minute.Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day.
Here is your dose of humor....

Follow the instructions to find your new name.
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

The egg in the pie pan

I didn't know it but my friends took their pots and pans with them. I quite desperately wanted eggs and toast for dinner last night so I rustled up a pie pan and got cookin'...this at the advice of a friend who didn't warn me of what life was like before teflon. I don't care if it is poisonous. We need it.

The whole endeavor actually came out rather well, considering. The eggs were a little rubbery and I couldn't swing the sunny side up like I'd hoped but when it was over I felt a strong sense of triumph...no really...I did. It's inevitable to become dependent on our little luxuries, even when those luxuries are as ordinary as a pan with a handle, but it takes away from the ability to be resourceful. When there's a specific tool for every little thing what do you do when you don't have it? I'd like to think I would always find a way but in this case I couldn't even make the stretch from fry pan to pie pan without help...because that's not what it's for, and what might happen. I don't know what I thought would happen but in the end it was a cooked egg - just what I wanted and without scorching the pan or burning a finger or setting anything on fire.

So now I know that my mind can be open about sexual preference, religious affiliation, and the wars between the races but not kitchen utensils.

I still have so far to go...

Unbagging the happy

I bought light bulbs and a planner at walmart today. It was 10% of my 'miscellaneous' budget for the month. As of last Thursday I'm on my own for the first time in a long while.

I'm housesitting for a friend which is a direct result of my husband and I deciding we can't fix our troubles sharing the 1500 square feet we call home. The dogs and cats are with him for now and we're to spend this next three months getting square with ourselves and perhaps each other. For the very first time in my life I haven't a clue what's coming, not an idea in my head of what I want...except to be happy. I want us both to be the happiest we can be whether together or apart. I have always attached stipulations to my happiness, decided what I thought would make me happy and trudged after it, sometimes bagging it against its will and tying it up in the closet. I'd realize it wasn't quite right and look for a supplement in the same manner.

This time, however, is completely different. This time happiness comes first and the rest after. I will practice letting little be enough and teach myself acceptance...because all discomfort comes from resistance to what is (and no I didn't come up with that on my own - it came from a pretty cheesy book by Eckhart Tolle, but still true.) Regardless, I feel better now than ever before, never knew what it was like not to dread every drawn out detail of the 48 half hours of the day. Even my road rage is waning.

Before the fall

It's heavy for my first blog ever...I know. But before I flaunt my new lighter side I'd like to discuss where I'm coming from.

Eight weeks ago I could never have started a sentence with a conjunction and could never ever have ended with a preposition. Sometime during October I changed. At this point I won't say what the catalyst was or try to delve into the intricacies of this -pardon the cliche- metamorphosis...because the truth is that it doesn't matter one bit. I could spend a few years analyzing the minor complexities of the past few weeks, which is what I would have done before the fall, or I can accept them.

My first 29 years were spent in varying degrees of disregard for all things... opportunities, blessings, people, fun, freedom, possibility and most of all for my life. Granted there were circumstances that clouded my view but I spent all my time in fear. During the past eight weeks that fear started to subside and I feel like I'm alive for the first time - another cliche, I know - all kinds of truths are lost to overused expressions.

So now the idea is to find out how to live without fear, to recognize it and abandon it completely, to discover a way to live in this moment, love this life and find presence.